The Idiot's Guide to Abusing an Ancient Spell Book
by Mystic Muses
Summary: Ever wonder what a crazed tomb robber and a deranged tomb keeper would do if they managed to get their hands on an ancient spell book? Sadly, that's what happens, and soon Domino is in mayhem!


**Disclaimer:  
**The Dark Mystic Muse deadpans, "I obviously do own neither Yugioh, any of its characters, nor the Idiot's Guide series. If I did, several characters in the story would meet tragic endings and Malik and Bakura would rule the world. However, I _do _own _this _story, and Nefer-Hotep, since I created them."

**Note:  
**Ancient Egyptian dictionary at the bottom of the page; tell me if you want it translated as you go for the next time, or if you want the dictionary to be at the top, etcetera. _Review!_

**The Idiot's Guide to  
****Abusing an Ancient Spell Book**

_Bunny Bounty_

"You _stole _her spell book? What are you, suicidal?"

"Oh hush up, Malik, you already know the answer to that question," the tomb robber returned smoothly, his pale fingers brushing at the cinnamon dust sprinkled over the face of the ancient tome. An inky Eye of Horus stared back at him, rimmed with golden laces.

A wisp of light golden hair traced itself over Malik's bronzed skin. He batted it away, his violet eyes dashing across the shadowy apartment room. "You are an _idiot!_" Bakura rolled his dark auburn eyes.

"Yet I was the one who took it," he preened smugly. "And now, I have enough power to wreck havoc upon this pathetic mortal land!" He laughed his psychotic Bakura laugh, sending chills trilling up Malik's spine.

"Will you stop being so loud?" The Egyptian hissed, knowing that the only reason he felt as if spiders were scuttling up his back was because of the doom he was certain was awaiting them. "What makes you so confident she won't find out?"

"Oh, she won't," Bakura chuckled, "because by that time, not only will this book have served its purposes, but it will be back; safely snug where I found it. Or, at least, a replica will be…Nefer-Hotep never needed to use spell books to hex people. She won't bother looking for it."

"You're insane."

"_T'e,_" the conspirator responded proudly in Egyptian, snuggling the coughing spell book lovingly. The manuscript made a wild attempt to scream that it was kidnapped and escape from the thief's arms, but Bakura's hands swiftly leapt on it and muffled its desperate shrieks. The tomb robber eyed it in amusement. "By Ra, I have to find that animation spell," he murmured as the book made another miserable attempt to head butt its captor. "Where's some binding? We need to tie it down during the night…"

Sighing, Malik produced a thick prickly piece of rope from his hands and held it out to Bakura. The book stopped thrashing, eyeballing the bindings warily.

"Ha, smart little bugger…"

Malik snorted, but didn't bother laughing at the fact that Ryou was rubbing off on the spirit. Against the icy window, a small drizzle of pearly rain drops dribbled off the sill like beads from a broken necklace, plummeting to the ground below.

Growling at the man-handling it was going through, the book resisted as Bakura picked it up. "Will it be too much," he glared at the book, "to ask for a little _silence?_" Sniffing, insulted, the book sulked. "Good. Now, let's open the first – oh Osiris!" The two hacked violent coughs at the dust powdering off the pages. "Is this thing as old as I am?"

Glowering and muttering venomously under his breath, Malik snatched the laughing book and held it out the window, shaking it thoroughly. If the innocent bystanders strolling down the streets noticed the inhuman squalls shrieking from the apartment window, they did a good job pretending they didn't hear. He hurled the screaming book into Bakura's hands, whirling around. "This is what happens when I listen to _you!_"

Dark eyes narrowed; Bakura cradled the sniveling and cowering book like a baby. "Don't you insult my plans, Malik. Battle City wasn't exactly the most brilliant scheme either! Now be quiet - you're scaring Shefdew here."

Malik raised an incredulous eyebrow. "'Shefdew'?" He echoed.

"It's alive, Malik, it needs a name."

"Shefdew," Malik mocked. "Creative. You named the book 'book'; a show of genius right there."

"You hush up. I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas. Besides, you like your name, don't you Shefdew?" Bakura inquired of the fear-stricken book, which was trying its best to edge as far away from Malik as it could, but wasn't progressing very far. Bakura glared. "_Don't _you, Shefdew?" Shefdew squeaked and nodded dutifully, plunging its face into Bakura's armpit like a good, faithful pet. "That's better." Malik rolled his eyes as Bakura pat it dreamily. "Imagine all the fun we could have…"

Ignoring the two lovers, the loner of the group wrapped himself in his black coat. "Who are we going for first?"

Bakura tickled Shefdew, and Malik could swear he almost heard the tomb robber _giggle. _But no, King Thief Bakura didn't _giggle…_

"Unless the book's getting to his head," Malik mumbled to himself quietly enough that Bakura couldn't hear.

"Well," the thief finally began, "I was thinking-"

"Bakura!" A deceptively soft, angelic voice glided from the reception hall of the apartment. Bakura and Malik jumped like the conspirators they were, Bakura tightening his already possessive hold on Shefdew. "Bakura, where are you?"

"Great gods, Ryou's back!" Bakura hissed, horrified. "That little liar said he wouldn't be back until four!" His eyes shot to a just as petrified Malik behind him. "Did you tell him about our…_plans?_"

Malik glared furiously back at the white-haired thief. "Did you honestly think I had something to _tell?_" He countered. "You barely told me a thing! That book," he thrust an accusing finger at the cringing Shefdew, "is making you paranoid!"

"Malik, it's scared enough of you already," Bakura snapped. In an attempted and failed innocent voice, Bakura called, "We're here! Don't come in Ryou! We don't want you to…tire yourself…" He mumbled the last part, hearing how pathetic it sounded.

His snowy hair sweeping into view, Ryou smiled sweetly at the two of them, oblivious. "Hello Bakura!" Bakura scowled. "I just thought you might like some Chinese Take Out," he explained, magically producing an oriental box of the Asian food.

"Hikari," Bakura growled, "you said you would be gone."

Ryou blinked his large chocolate eyes, still smiling. "Sorry, Bakura, but I thought-"

"You thought wrong!" Bakura yelled, slamming the door in his land lord's face. He turned back to Malik, satisfied. "Now, as I was saying…"

"Thief King Bakura, you open this door right now!" Ryou's cried shrilly, a small fist pounding at the door. "You can't just slam doors in my face like a rude...rude..!"

Invoking a startling vocabulary of Egyptian curses, Bakura ripped the door open. "_Yes _hikari? Do you need help coming up with a word?"

Ryou stared angrily, his full lips struggling to look defiant. "I can find my own words thank you!" It would have been cute, and Bakura would have laughed darkly and told him so, if he hadn't been so annoyed.

"That's wonderful, host, now if you don't mind-"

"No you don't!" Ryou pouted, grabbing the door before Bakura could shut it again. "Just for that, I'd like to remind you that it's _your _turn to do the laundry this week!"

A cough of epic proportions erupted behind them. The two turned to look back at Malik, who was desperately trying to stifle a laugh. "Laundry?" He quivered, his eyes twinkling with unsaid taunts.

"_Ger tjew,_" the tomb robber threatened through gritted teeth.

"Oh, hello Malik!" Ryou waved brightly. He turned back to Bakura. "So get to it!" Secretly, Ryou was amazed he had the daring to yell at the turbulent spirit, and desperately tried to hide this fact and his numbing fear.

...Or not so secretly. "Are you," Bakura sneered, "ordering _me?_ Ha! Go away, host, and play your jokes elsewhere!"

Ryou bit his lip. "Bakura…" he pleaded, tugging on the spirit's arm. He fixed his moist, warm chocolate eyes on his yami, begging.

Bakura jerked his arm away as if he had been scalded. "No! That's final!"

…But Ryou continued to stare at him with those large, pleading eyes…

"Please, Bakura?"

Bakura swore; Malik snickered. "Fine! I'll do your dirty laundry! Now get out!" He barked and slammed the door.

Ryou totted off triumphantly.

"Stupid Ryou, always making me do things," Bakura muttered. "First his stupid, humiliating picnic, then the poetry club in an effort to make me more 'sensitive'… and now his bloody laundry! Ra forbid!"

"If you don't mind," Malik drawled, smirking, "I think I have a solution to your problem." He leaned in and opened his mouth to say something, when a second cheery voice from outside interrupted them.

"Hey Ryou! Can I come in?"

"Sure Yugi! Are the others outside?"

Malik and Bakura gasped. "No, not _him!_"

"My apartment!" Bakura howled. He leaped to the closet, rummaging through the drawers. "Where is it? Where is it?"

"Where is what, Bakura?" Malik sighed.

"My protective wards!" To Malik's incredulous look, he explained, "Yugi just soiled my apartment with his presence! I need to purify!"

The blonde Egyptian decided that it was best not to say anything.

Bakura fumed, rampaging back and forth.

"As I was saying," Malik whispered, peeking out the door to see the tiny boy, who he was certain had been a paintball explosion caualty to have the three colors he had in his hair. "Why don't we use Shefdew…" the book shivered as scary Malik looked at him delightedly, "and teach Ryou and Yugi a lesson?" He cackled evilly, invoking his trademark - and copyrighted - Malik cackle.

Yugi smiled as he walked through the door, his large eyes peering around the apartment, expertly pretending not to spot to Bakura's recent, creepy decoration additions. "Oh, they'll be here in a few minutes." The twerp, as the two spell book stealers referred to him, added cheerfully, "Yami's off exploring. Ever since we separated, he's been going out and learning about the modern world. Isn't that good of him?"

"Ha," Malik mumbled, "it was; like the time the Pharaoh shoplifted the candy store." Bakura stared. "He thought if a credit card was just given and given back, he'd spare everyone the trouble and just walk out with the candy. He didn't know that credit cards are linked to bank accounts."

"Oh…" Bakura grinned in delight.

"Hey, want to play duel monsters?" Yugi suggested brightly.

"Of course! I can't find my deck, though, so I'll just use Bakura's. I'm sure he won't mind much."

"_What?_" The spirit thundered. "There is no way in the Hall of Two Truths that anyone's touching _my _deck!" Suddenly, accompanied by another wild screech, Shefdew was torn out of Bakura's arms. "Malik, give him back!"

Malik leafed through Shefdew's dusty pages, ignoring the book's sad attempts at a getaway. "In a moment; I'm looking for an appropriate spell…"

Laughing softly, Bakura leapt to Malik's side. "Alright, what would be fitting? Plagues, death, nightmares…"

"Ha!" Malik jabbed at a page in Shefdew's insides victoriously, ignoring its squeal of protest. "Here it is!" His violet eyes glittering, Malik hurled the whining Shefdew at Bakura and opened the door, finding Yugi and Ryou standing in the corridor. "Hello Ryou, hello Yugi," was Malik's silky greeting. Neither hikari noticed the mischievous grin that the usually polite Malik wore as a facade. "Did you need something?"

Ryou beamed at him. "Well, actually, we were hoping-"

Yugi interrupted him. "Hey Bakura, what's that in your hands?" He was referring to Shefdew.

Bakura stroked the book absently; the book purred. "A book," he stated bluntly. With a quick glance at Malik, he began to chant out of the tome a sea of flowing magical words. A rumbling crescendo rippled through his deep voice, and the thief gestured a lean hand toward this two victims. When Bakura finished, he looked up.

Ryou and Yugi blinked at him. "Uh, that's nice, Bakura…are you OK?" Bakura looked mortified…and crushed. Nothing was happening!

"As a matter of fact," he began to snarl acidly, when Malik stopped him with glee. As the two watched, tendrils of purple vapor wrapped around the two hikaris; plumes of smoke draped their arms and feet. Ryou yelped; Yugi screamed. The two disappeared in a puff of smoke, and in their place stood two…

"Rabbits?" Bakura stared blankly. "You gave me a spell to turn them into two _rabbits?_" An adorable snowy-white Easter bunny with melting chocolate eyes hopped around in circles, its little paws scampering against the elderly carpet. A jet-black rabbit, its fur clearly matching that of Yugi's usual leather clothes, scrambled after the first. Porcupine hair still sprouted out of it, making it seem as if he had been vandalized by gang thugs.

"Silence, Shefdew," Bakura murmured to the book, which seemed to get a rush out of causing people misery with its spells, judging from all the delighted wriggling and dancing it was doing, completely forgetting Marik's presence.

Bakura plucked Ryou up by the ears and dangled him in the air. "Ryou, is that you?" He demanded, piercing it with his narrowed eyes. The fluffy rabbit swung itself around to avoid Bakura's gaze.

_Yes, it's me! _Ryou yelled frantically through what was left of their mental link. _Bakura, help!_

_But you make such a good rabbit, host, _Bakura couldn't resist taunting. _It suits you._

Ryou was horrified. _No! Change me back! Change me back!_

Bakura ignored him as he began to thrash angrily, though it still looked endearing, since Ryou was a very cute rabbit, after all.

His stubby ears scrunched up in Malik's hold, Yugi swayed in the wind, kicking at the air with his even smaller feet. "Heh, looks like the spell didn't change his height," Bakura crowed. The two Egyptians laughed once again, dragging the two rabbits to the reception.

Malik poked Yugi's belly with a wide grin. "Little Yugi suddenly got smaller!" He paused. "Wait, do you hear something?"

Bakura groaned. "Oh gods…"

"Hey Bakura!" A brown haired girl trying to win the competition for Worst Dressed blasted into the apartment, trailed by Tristan and Joey, who were insulting each other, as usual.

Tea whirled around the room, plucking at the abandoned books strewn across the building, courtesy of Bakura's bad temper, and British porcelain tea cups stored away in polished cabinets. "Have you seen Ryou? We're supposed to meet him!"

Malik and Bakura looked at each other. "Uh, you see, _ket _Tea…" Malik began with an under current of a scowl.

"Oh, look at that!" The girl suddenly cooed, her blue eyes widening at the sight of the rabbits dangling by the two villains' sides. "Rabbits! Aw, they're so _cute!_" Before anyone could protest, Tea snatched Ryou from Bakura's hand, spinning the poor creature around.

_Aaahhh! _Ryou screamed through the link, though since no one else boarded in the Millennium Ring, only Bakura could hear the cries.

While Tea crushed Ryou in a death hug, Tristan and Joey seemed to notice the second rabbit, which was suddenly becoming aware of the impending danger and thrashing wildly about.

"Hey, this one looks just like Yugi!" Tristan announced the obvious, grabbing and tickling the frantic rabbit. Yugi struggled for freedom.

"Ah yes! Ha ha ha!" Malik tittered nervously. "What a find!"

"For sure…" Bakura mumbled as commentary.

Tea giggled, much to the Ring and Rod owners' annoyance. "What gender is it?" Her malicious harpy claws gripped Ryou.

_Bakura!" _His hikari cried shrilly.

Though smirking, Bakura decided it was time to intervene. He seized Tea's hand before the cheerleader could flip the rabbit over. "Both male, Tea." The demoness's hand was sizzling under the Bakura's grasp like vampires drowning in Holy Water.

Ryou shivered uncontrollably. Absently, Bakura ripped him from Tea's grip. "Sorry, but Ryou and Yugi are…"

_Here! Here!  
_"…unavailable. Get out."

Before he could shove Tea and the rest of the Pharaoh's goon squad out the door, Joey exclaimed, " Hey, where'd ya put da cages?"

"What did you just say?" Malik asked irritably, needing a translator for Joey's ridiculous speech patterns.

"I said, where'd ya'-"

"Cages, Malik," Bakura swallowed a laugh, "we haven't got cages."

_Cages? _Ryou echoed, horrified. _No, no, no! Let go of me! This is an indignity! First the ears, now _cages? _We're not animals!  
Well you certainly had me fooled, _the spirit chuckled, thrusting Ryou into Malik's hold. "We didn't get cages yet. We…needed help picking them out."

Tea's eyes dazzled so brightly she could had given a disco ball a run for its money. 'Then we'll help you! We'll pick it out! We'll get carrots, water bottles, play pens, and everything!"

"No!" Malik snapped quickly. "I mean…we would love to, lit – Tea, but _we_ have work to do." He thumped Shefdew and the book gave a squeak. "You could pick it out for us. We…trust…you." The blonde shuddered as if the words poisoned his tongue.

Tea's nose crinkled. "Did that book just squeak?"

"No, of course not!" Bakura called out a bit too loudly. "That was just the rabbit."

_No, you can't leave me with _Tea! _Yami! This is too much!_

"You'll live." His yami grinned. "Make _me _do the laundry, will you?"

"Bakura, who ya talkin' to?" Joey, the nosey mutt, stuck his overly large nose into their business like a ghastly, inquisitive puppy – without the innocent puppy cuteness.

"No one. Now go," Bakura shooed them out eagerly, throwing a bawling Yugi and Ryou at them. The mob was heaved out the door and bolted out.

Stroking Shedfew, who was quickly becoming his new best friend, Bakura grinned. "Now for step two…"

**Dictionary:**

_T'e _- Yes

_Ket _Tea – Little Tea

_Ger tjew ­_– You be quiet


End file.
